Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I just tested negative for patience.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Me when I’m ovulating
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
