shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment