Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

Thursday

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.