Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward