Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please