shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
If a snake ate a cake
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.