shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
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Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.