Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

Best mom ever 😂

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

My neck, my back, my…

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together