Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“We will wed,” I threatened
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.