Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?