Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.