Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Make me look younger
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.