Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And now we wait

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.