Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
We found love in a hopeless place.
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[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.