Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
tinder is all about the long game
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?