Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.