Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
never deleting this app.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.