Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.