Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
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I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
hello pervert is such a strong opener
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.