Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
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Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Sign at work today
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.