Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
i hate you platonically
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Wait a minute…
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it