Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
You Might Also Like
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.