Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

11: dad I have a confession

me: oh boy. What.

11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time

me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?

9: I paid him off in nachos

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

How many? 🤔

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what