shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
you will never know the true number of layers
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.