shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
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Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
go easy on yourself <3
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?