Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

So we got a goldfish…

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive