Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
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My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.