Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

My circle of trust is a meatball

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.