SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I don’t think my car can fly
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.