SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Animal poetry
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent: