SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs