[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”