[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*