[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it