Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
You Might Also Like
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.