Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
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ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I unironically love this joke.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did