Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meme Monday.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.