Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?