Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough