*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Morning my dudes.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.