*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great