*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
You Might Also Like
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
O Wise One….
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
#Caturday
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
58.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”