*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
When ur friends with white people
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Cat is stressing him out.
