Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

a fate I wish upon no one

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…