[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.