Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

superman landing like a plane on his belly

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.