Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.