Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever