*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”