Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

scared to check what name she chose

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.