*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
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I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Who knew!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?