Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly