Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
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ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Whisper out to librarians!
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.