Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.