Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf