Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Twitter is an abusement park.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My dad.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately