Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

👍

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

*gets down on one knee*

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.