Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?