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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now