Show me a better name for a sugar company.
You Might Also Like
the way this pissed me off… 😭
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
sometimes we need to be reminded
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.