Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
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him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.