Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

My life in a nutshell

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic