Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught