Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
not for long
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens