Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.