Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Admin smashed it 😂
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?