Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’