Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

Lmaoo 😂

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.