Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees