Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Every time my phone rings
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
a badder mouse
