Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Very good news from my accountant
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”