Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
gentlemen, hear me out
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower