Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
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boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount