Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had