Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56