Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
You Might Also Like
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
We know he can swim but…
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?