Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.