Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing